Grief & The Holidays

It came out of nowhere yesterday. Some would say it comes over you like a wave. For me, wave doesn’t seem to fit. Waves you can see coming. Yes, at times a slow roll, but you know eventually it’s going to crash.

I’d say for me it was like a bolt of lightning. It came out of nowhere- sudden and intense.

See, my grandma died over 16 years ago. I was still in elementary school. When you say it like that, it sounds like a whole lifetime ago (and at times it feels that way). I find myself stretching to remember her voice, her humor, the way her house smelled.. 

I think most people assume that when things happen to you when you’re younger that it’s easier. And maybe that’s true. But I often disagree. When devastating things happen when you’re younger, it might be easier to “get over”, but the grief is still there. Unresolved, festering simply because do we really have the tools to dive into the intensity of grief? But regardless of when grief or trauma happens, it’s still grief or trauma and regardless if we have the tools or not, it’s still gut wrenchingly difficult to overcome.

Oftentimes I would brush off the grief from my grandma dying by explaining that I was so young. I think I did it unconsciously, because really, I didn’t feel the sharp pain of loss anymore. 

But then it hit me. Like lightning.

One of my favorite memories of my grandma was at Christmas. She transformed her whole living room into a Christmas village with the ceramic houses, restaurants, and towns. She made waterfalls and ice rinks. I wish I had pictures of it. It was every little kid’s Christmas dream. 

Once she passed, my dad kept two houses for me and my sister. One was a McDonald’s storefront and one sentimentally named, “Grandma’s Cottage.”

I took them home, and just left them on the counter for a while. Was I afraid to break them? Afraid I wouldn’t really remember them? Afraid they wouldn’t be as special as I was building them up to be? 

After a while, I took the McDonald’s store first, slid open the box, and then the lightning struck. 

I sat there for what felt like hours and cried. What triggered that? The cord. It was so intricately wrapped as to not tangle or take up too much room in the box. Did she wrap the cord this way for every house? Did she know that the time she wrapped this cord it would be her last? Has this even been touched by anyone since her? This cord has been wrapped this way for 16 years and here I am about to undo it. 

Matthew came home and I told him that the weirdest thing happened to me today. I experienced grief over the death of my grandma over 16 years ago. 

In general, I love the holidays this time of year and for many people, that is true. I was reminded by a friend, however, that this time of year can be very triggering for a lot of people experiencing grief or trauma. 

I define grief as a loss- of anything. A friendship ending, a job loss, a marriage ending (whether your own or a loved one), a move, a parent’s absenteeism, betrayal, the death of a loved one.. 

This time of year sends the message that everyone is happy, joyful, and thankful for the things they do have, but for some, this time of year can be a painful reminder of what is no longer there, expectations that are not met, and loneliness. Things that might have been buried 16 years ago might resurface in the midst of this exciting, happy time.

It can be even harder to reach out for help in fear of bringing other people towards your sadness and away from their joy this time of year. How do we ask for help when our world seems to have stopped but everyone else’s world is so joyful?

• This time of year (and all year) it’s so important to be mindful of what we can be to others. Asking those who we know might be struggling, “what can I be for you?” It might be a safe place to vent, a good listener, advice, or a friendly distraction. Be mindful of asking for what you need from others. Be specific and let others know how they can support you.

• Say no. Have breaks. Do things for you. Take time to yourself. Set boundaries. 

We do not have to be everything for everyone all the time. 

Know that you are not alone and it’s okay for things to be messy this time of year. Just make sure to take care of yourself, know how to speak up and ask for what you need, and acknowledge when you have your McDonald’s moments too.